A Note From Maxene Glass
So you’ve found a Domme you’re interested in.
Maybe you’re completely new to FemDom. Maybe you’ve known you’re submissive for years but have never approached a professional Domme. Either way, there’s a good chance you’re staring at the message box wondering:
What the hell am I supposed to say?
Your first message doesn’t need to be complicated. But it does matter. The way you introduce yourself tells a Domme quite a bit about you before you’ve even had a conversation.
There isn’t one universal formula for approaching a Domme. We’re all different, and every Domme has her own personality, boundaries, interests, and expectations. There are, however, a few things you can do to make a much better first impression.
Read Her Profile First
This should be obvious, but you’d be surprised how often it isn’t.
Before you message a Domme, actually read her profile or website. Look at what she offers, what she’s interested in, where she’s located, how she handles bookings, what her boundaries are, and how she wants to be contacted.
If she has taken the time to answer the questions you’re about to ask, asking her to repeat everything for you isn’t exactly a great opening.
And don’t just read it for logistical information. Pay attention to her. What about her caught your attention? What specifically made you want to contact this Domme rather than the hundreds of others you could have found?
That gives you something much more interesting to talk about than:
“Hi. What do you do?”
Have Some Idea of What You’re Looking For
You don’t need to have your entire submissive identity figured out before you contact someone.
Maybe you know exactly what interests you. Maybe you’re still figuring it out. Both are fine.
You might be interested in:
- Goddess worship
- Psychological domination
- Worship and devotion
- Financial domination
- Discipline
- Humiliation
- Service
- Protocol
- Online submission
- In-person sessions
If Goddess worship is what interests you, for example, don’t assume every Domme offers the same kind of dynamic. Some women incorporate worship and devotion deeply into their FemDom practice; others don’t.
The point is to find someone whose particular approach actually appeals to you.
And if you’re new, just say so.
“I’m new to FemDom and interested in exploring…”
That’s a perfectly good place to start.
Introduce Yourself Like a Person
Your first message doesn’t need to be your autobiography. Give her enough information to understand who you are, why you’re contacting her, and what you’re interested in.
Depending on what she asks for, that might include your name or preferred name, age, location, and anything else relevant to arranging a conversation or booking.
But please don’t send a generic copy-and-paste message that could have been sent to any Domme on the internet.
For example:
“Hi. What do you do?”
versus:
“Hello, I’m Alex. I’m relatively new to FemDom and came across your profile while looking into Goddess worship. I’m particularly interested in the psychological and devotional side of submission and wanted to learn more about your approach.”
The second message gives me something to respond to. It tells me you’ve actually looked at my profile. It tells me what interests you. And, most importantly, it gives me a reason to believe you’re interested in me, rather than simply looking for the next woman who will answer your message.
Don’t Confuse Submission With Entitlement
This one is important.
Being submissive does not mean a Domme owes you her attention.
I know that sounds obvious, but apparently it isn’t.
Sending a message demanding photographs, sexual attention, free conversation, or immediate availability isn’t submission. It’s just demanding something from a woman you’ve never met. You don’t get to decide what she owes you simply because you’ve decided you’re submissive.
Approach her. Express your interest. Tell her what you’re looking for. Then give her the opportunity to decide whether she wants to engage with you.
Your submission is something you offer. Her attention is something she chooses to give.
Those are two very different things.
Don’t Assume Every Domme Is the Same
“Domme” isn’t a standardized job description.
One woman might be heavily psychological. Another might focus on Goddess worship. Another might be interested primarily in discipline, service, humiliation, financial domination, protocol, physical BDSM—or some combination of all of it.
Two women can both call themselves Dommes and offer completely different experiences. That’s actually one of the most interesting things about FemDom.
So don’t just look for a Domme.
Look for your Domme.
If Goddess worship is what you’re after, find a woman who genuinely incorporates reverence, devotion, and feminine authority into her dynamic. If psychological control is what interests you, look for someone who specializes in that.
Don’t assume that because you’ve experienced one type of FemDom, you’ve experienced them all.
Be Honest About Being a Beginner
You don’t need to pretend you’ve been submissive for twenty years because you think it will impress her.
If you’re new, say you’re new. If you’ve explored submission before but have never worked with a professional Domme, say that. If you’re not entirely sure what you’re looking for yet, that’s okay too.
Honesty gives a Domme a much better understanding of who she’s actually talking to.
And honestly, I’d much rather hear:
“I’ve never done this before, but I’m very interested in exploring it.”
than some elaborate story designed to make you sound like an experienced submissive when you’re not.
Inexperience isn’t a problem. Pretending to be someone you’re not is.
Understand That Boundaries Go Both Ways
Power exchange doesn’t mean communication disappears.
Before a session or an ongoing dynamic, there may be things to discuss—interests, limits, expectations, session structure, cost, duration, location, communication, and aftercare.
That doesn’t ruin the fantasy. It creates the conditions that allow the fantasy to actually work.
And remember that her boundaries are boundaries too.
Her rates aren’t an opening bid. Her services aren’t a menu you get to negotiate. Her communication preferences aren’t suggestions. Her availability isn’t something you are entitled to.
If she says something isn’t part of what she offers, accept the answer and move on.
Respect Her Time
A professional Domme may receive a lot of messages. She may also have clients, appointments, work, family, errands, and an entire life that has nothing to do with being a Domme.
So if she doesn’t answer you immediately, don’t send five more messages asking whether she saw your first one.
If she has booking instructions, follow them. If she’s unavailable, accept it. If she tells you that you’re not a good fit, accept that too.
You don’t have to agree with every answer you receive. You do have to know how to handle one.
How someone responds to “no” tells you a lot about them.
Keep Your First Message Simple
You don’t need to write the perfect introduction.
A good first message can answer four simple questions:
- Who are you?
- Why are you contacting her?
- What interests you?
- What are you looking for?
That’s enough.
You can let the rest of the conversation develop from there.
You’re not trying to prove that you’re the world’s most devoted submissive in your first paragraph. You’re simply opening the door and giving the Domme enough information to decide whether she wants to walk through it with you.
And if you’ve done your homework, been honest, and approached her like an actual human being, you’re already ahead of a surprising number of people.
The Bottom Line
Approaching a Domme for the first time can feel intimidating. Especially when you’re new to FemDom and don’t know what the etiquette is supposed to be.
The good news is that you don’t need to know everything.
Read her profile. Be honest. Be specific. Respect her boundaries. Respect her time.
And don’t overthink it.
You are contacting a woman because something about her, her energy, or the experience she offers interests you. Tell her what that is.
That’s a much better beginning than trying to perform the role of “perfect submissive” before you’ve even had a conversation.
And if what you’re looking for is a deeper experience of feminine authority, devotion, and Goddess worship, that’s a very different path from simply booking a generic BDSM session. [Explore my approach to Goddess worship and FemDom →]